Friday, May 05, 2006


Dear people,

Since Mpok Jane's gone AWOL (psst... she's in rehab for shopaholicism, but don't say a thing to those pesky infotainment journalists) and I'm busy shagging rich businessmen from Kalimantan (thanks to Ussy for the tips), I have decided to bring in a guest writer. Please give a warm round of applause to our bitch-in-training: Mbak Diahhh....!!!



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I swear, if you showed me this picture with the top half covered and asked me to guess who it was, I would've guessed Okky Lukman. What?? It's not Okky? It's Dian Sastro you say??

Oh well, on the bright side, if Marie-France Bodyline were to offer her an endorsement deal, she's got a great "Before" picture right here!

By the way, those wilting cabbage leaves she hung around her waist (so she's got easy access to a low-calorie snack anytime) really makes her look like she's got three vaginas.

Mbak Diah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Thursday, April 20, 2006


How do you ruin a simple and cute purple cord jacket?

A
By throwing it in a blazing furnace, or

B
By washing it with bleach, or

C
By "decorating" every possible edge with over-the-top ruffle-y lace as if it were a banquet table at a cheesy wedding reception.

Yes, Ussy Sulistiawati... what is it?

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Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Wednesday, April 19, 2006

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Dear Mbak Reza Artamevia Adriana Eka Suci,

I'm all for you and your newfound spiritualism, but please for the love of Manolo Blahnik and all things pretty... what's with the Dewi Motik's headgear, Miami Vice's Sonny Crockett white jacket, and chainmail hand ornament what-have-you that looks like Jacko's glove? What's happening?

You see, Mbak Reza, when it comes to Busana Muslimah, here's a few pointers...
Inneke Koesherawati? Good.
Marissa Haque? Generic.
Jinny Oh Jinny, The Medical Student? BAD!!!!!!!!

Satu yang tak bisa TAK mencela,
Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Saturday, April 15, 2006


Dewi Sandra has become the embodiment of the word CHAOS.

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When someone attempted to look like Gwen Stefani in "Hollaback Girl" and ended up looking like... well, ain't nuthin like the real thing, there is only one thing you can do...

"Hello? Helen Sparingga Mental Institution for Hasbeens and Wannabes?
Yes, I have a potential patient for you..."


Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah








Marshanda and her tribute to Hannibal Lecter, with "The Intestines Bolero".

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Who knew you could wear anatomy? Well, I guess that makes you Fashionnibal Lecter, then.

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Wednesday, April 12, 2006


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Krisdayanti:
Ya ampun, kok nggak ada yang kompak begini? Katanya hari ini mau janjian pake blus abu-abu semua. Gawat nih, aku kan kemarin udah borong blus gembung dan sabuk macan 2 lusin di Pasar Pagi. Piye iki? Oh, mungkin Mas Anang mau pake.
Aduh, si Titi udah di sedot lemak kok masih tetep gendut sih? Udah aku bilangin padahal pake dokter aku aja yang di Singgapur. Ngeyel!


Ruth Sahanaya:
Emang Titi aja yang bisa nggak kompak? Gue juga mau dong!
Huh, 3 diva? 3 diva apanya? Semua orang juga tau kalo cuma gue diva yang sebenarnya.
*nyanyi* "Khaaauulah seghalanyaaa untukkhuuuuu...."
Eh, si Titi kok makin lama makin gede ya badannya? Mungkin kayak gini ya jadinya kalo Bang Jeffry (Waworuntu, ed.) dipakein daster. Hiiiy...ngeri!!!


Titi DJ:
Ngebosenin banget sih gayanya Yanti. Tiap hari pake baju begitu. Kayak gue dong, berubah-rubah kayak bunglon. Makanya gue sampe dapet Nokia Fashion Award sebagai Most Stylish Indonesian Celebrity. Haha...take that you bitches!!!
Duh, udah jam 10.30 nih, gue belom ngemil. Ada
KFC nggak ya deket sini? Ato Hartz Chicken Buffet gitu?

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Friday, April 07, 2006

Even though she is no longer a permanent resident of Helen Sparingga Mental Institution For Hasbeens And Wannabes, she still has to attend a weekly group meeting with other former patients so that the doctors can observe her state of sanity after she's being released into the society. The meeting's counselor is none other than former 80s sexbomb-turned-psychologist, Eva Arnaz.

Eva:
Hi everybody!

The Group:
Hi Eva...

Eva:
Welcome to our weekly meeting. How's everybody doing? Sane I hope. Anyway before we start, can somebody name one of my movies?

*silence*

Eva:
My movie...? Anybody...? No...??

*dead silence*

Eva:
Oookay, on with our meeting. Who wants to start?

*the sound of cricket*

Eva:
Well then, let's start the confession alphabetically. Hmmm... Agnes, why don't you go first.

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Agnes:
Hello, my name is Agnes Monica, and I was an attention whore.

The Group:
Hi, Agnes...

Agnes:
My parents sent me here because I was an acute attention seeker. I sang annoying and meaningless song just to be noticed. I hogged infotainment cameras with my irritating remarks. And I used to dress like a crazy person just to be the center of attention...
OH GOD I'M SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF...!!! *sobbing*

Eva:
Sheesh... what a drama queen...

Agnes:
Excuse me?

Eva:
Um, nothing. Please continue...

Agnes:
Can you believe I once wore a black lacy tanktop with pink satin tie and tattoo-print arm warmers...

The Group:
*GASP*

Agnes:
Under a white mesh top with the words "STOP THE FASHION SYSTEM" on it...

The Group:
*GASP*

Agnes:
With a pink underwear and a cross stick-on diamante on my belly...

The Group:
*GASP*

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Agnes:
I'm such a wreck...
But that's all in the past. After being rehabilitated here for 3 months, I realized the mistakes I've made. I no longer feel the need to dress like a Harajuku Slut. I feel like a new person now. It's like I'm born again...!

Group Member 1:
*mumbling* Lying so-called-virgin skank...

Agnes:
Say whattt???

Eva:
She said, "Lying so-called-virgin skank"

Agnes:
I HEARD WHAT SHE SAID...!!!

Group Member 1:
I saw you performing on TV last night on your music special program wearing something too ugly to put into words.

Group Member 2:
Yeah, I saw that too!! Tasteless tramp!!

The Rest of The Group:
Yeahh....

Agnes:
Watchatalkinabout????!!! You're all fools!! That was taped months ago.

The Group:
LIAR!!!

Eva:
Is that true, Miss Monica? Don't lie...

Agnes:
Shut up, you motherfucking hasbeen!! You're a nobody, bitch! The only thing I remember about you from your movies are your spandex tube-top and your bushy armpit hair!!!

The Group:
Eeeeeewwwww........!!!!!

Eva:
Heyyy.... this isn't about me!! This is about you! I knew you've been lying to us. You're still crazy!!

The Group:
YEAHHH...!!!

Agnes:
I ain't crazy, y'all! Just ask my peeps back in the hood. I'm A to tha G to tha N-E-Z. Whoaa... whoa...

Eva:
Uh'oh... Looks like somebody's about to burst...

Agnes climbs to one of the tables in the center of the room and stars singing and dancing like a maniac.

Agnes:
Kau takkan bisa...
Jadikan diriku...
Seperti yang kau mau...
Kar'na ku bukan milikmu...


Feeling tortured by Agnes' singing and dancing, the rest of the group is running amok and trying to flee the room. They're all kicking and screaming. The room is a total chaos.

Eva:
NURSE!!!!

Agnes:
Aku adalah...
Wanita yang pernah kau sakiti...
Kini kau tau ku bukan milikmu lagiii...


A couple of nurses rush to the room and grabs Agnes.

Eva:
Take her to cell block 2: the nutty successor...!!!!

Agnes:
*shrieking* Lemme gooooo...!!!! I ain't crazy, y'all!!! I AIN'T CRAZYYY...!!!!

One of the nurse is holding her down while the other one is injecting her with tranquilizer.

Agnes:
Whaddup whaddup, y'all...!!!
Bi-hiiiilang sa-haaaaja bila kau mauuuuu....
Ho... ho... ho...
Ho yeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..........

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah