Last christmas evidently Tessa Kaunang had too many eggnog, she thought it was still the 80's. A time when she's still in high school, going around carrying LKS. A time when it is still appropriate to wear a Molly Ringwald's "Pretty In Pink"/Roxette's '89 video "Dangerous" hybrid pink top. A time when she's still a virgin and decided to give her virginity to her boyfriend by wrapping a gigantic blue ribbon around her waist, making herself look like a christmas present.

Aahhh Tessa, if only it were true. If only it were true...

Neng Sarah.

Hey, thanks Melly. Now I know what a human pinata looks like.

Neng Sarah.

Oh Enno, I know the teenage-divorce problem you're facing right now is very hard and it's making you want to run away. But helloooo? You don't need to take it so literally by dressing as a brown Converse hi-tops.

Neng Sarah.

Dear Neng Sarah,

Hai, aku Putri Patricia. Inget aku khaaan? Aduh, masa lupa sich? Aku khan dulu pernah main di "Dewi Fortuna" dan "Tersanjung 7". Iiich, Neng Sarah jahat dech. Eniwei, aku lagi ada masalah nich. Begini neng, belakangan ini aku koq udah nggak pernah diajak main sinetron lagi yach. Padahal aku dulu terkenal loch. Iya khan, iya khan? Ngaku dech. Hihi. Aku bingung dech. Padahal aku kan nggak kalah cantik sama yang lain. Aktingku juga oke. Trus bodi-ku juga yahud. Kira-kira kenapa yach? Garink nih nggak ada job. Tiap hari kegiatanku kalo nggak senam di sanggar Mbak Venna, aku nongkrong di PS. Lama-lama khan aku bisa bokek. Mana aku lagi nggak ada cowok lagi. Aduuuh, aku kan boring. Eh, kok jadi curhat sich? Hihi, jadi malu. Yach eniwei, tolong dong Neng Sarah, gimana caranya supaya aku diajak main sinetron lagi. Aku nggak mau popularitasku menurun drastis. Jangan sampe aku nanti kayak Silvana Herman. Aduh, amit-amit dech. Thanks yach Neng Sarah sebelumnya.

Putri.

Dear Put-Pat,

First of all let's get things straight, I don't watch Indonesian Sinetrons. Well, I do admit I did watch Noktah Merah Perkawinan, but then never again, because I realized it was one the biggest mistakes in my life.
Anyway, all I can tell you is this: you need to do something about your outfit. While I appreciate your approach to the "Perek Melawai" look; I love the way it doesn't scream hooker (only whispers) and the Skittles bracelet-earrings set which is just a cherry on top of a bad cake, unfortunately that is NOT what most producers are looking for right now. In case you haven't heard, they're looking for "Innocent Slut". And if you're wondering what it is, just look at Nia Ramadhani or The Virgin girls for reference.
But if you're really really reeeallly desperate, I suggest you to sleep with one of The Shankers or Punjabis. God knows it's a sure-fire way to nab a role in a sinetron, if only as an extra.
And lastly, whoever said that not appearing in any sinetron is a downhill road to unpopularity, is dead wrong. Two words: Rency Milano.

Neng Sarah.

Maia, I feel that I need to question the state of your sanity. I mean, just look at you. There's not one single thing of your ensemble that is worth wearing. Who would wear those pieces? Who would wear the yellow t-shirt with one sleeve longer than the other? Okay, probably some deranged ABG singer like Cantika or Marshanda. How about the striped pants with strawberry cheesecake slice pattern and *gasp* matching glove/armcast/sarung HP Nokia Communicator thing-a-ma-jig? Hmmm, I think I saw that lady rocker Yosie Lucky wore those in 1989. And the white crochet tank-dress made from a tennis net? Maybe Gitty Srinita in "Gairah X" or that tranny tennis player Serena Williams for an MTV-Awards thing.

But the whole thing worn together? It took a truly brave aka mentally unstable person to have the nerve to wear those things all at once. Why, Maia? Are you suffering from some kind of abuse from your megalomaniac/chauvinistic husband? Or are you simply trying to follow in the footsteps of Melly Goeslaw who's already clinically proven crazy in the fashion department? Whatever it is, it's bad news. But being a deluded person that you are, I know you'd simply ignore these facts and believe that you're a fashion trendsetter in Indonesia. Oh well...

Neng Sarah.

Hi kids, my name is Neng Sarah, and now it's time for an english lesson: whodoyouthinkheare style. Are you ready? Good. The first word we are going to learn today is...Nafa.



NAFA
[adjective]
showing extremely poor taste and quality; disgusting to look at; ugly; hideous.
For example:
No Tamara, don't wear those shoes! They look so Nafa!
I really don't understand why Krisdayanti would wear that Nafa dress from Johannes Bridal.

DERIVATIVES
Nafafication [noun]
Nafafy [verb]
Nafaly [adverb]
Nafaness [noun]

Okay, now can you make your own sentence using the word Nafa?

Neng Sarah.

I thought I have seen it all. But once in a blue moon, I came across something so unexplainable I just don't know how to describe it. And that something, is like something Lusy Rahmawati wore...



Can somebody tell me what on earth is that ugly furry thing? Did she just sprain her neck, so she's wearing a designer neck-cast, designed by an Ewok? Did she just got bitten by a posessed animal and she's turning into a She-Wolf? Or did she just get a testosterone injection, so she's suddenly sprouting grey chest hair?

Well whatever it is, that thing is so frightening it's been giving me nightmares. Lusy, if you're wearing that thing for stylistic purpose, you're absolutely nuts. It's not Helloween, so there's no need to scare people with your outfit. Well, unless you're Nafa Urbach that is.

Neng "Scully".

Kudos to Cornelia Agatha who sucessfully managed to look like a tranny and a pregnant woman at the same time at last weeks's Festival Film Indonesia ceremony. Congratulations, Lia. You've simply outdone yourself. I'm sooo loving the puke-green strapless dress with the bleach effect on your C-U-Next-Tuesday.

NOT!!!

Neng Sarah.

PS. Uh'oh...Looks like someone has a bladder problem and peed all over herself while waiting for the "Pemeran Utama Wanita Terbaik" announcement. Super gross!! Oh Lia, I'm sooo getting you an adult diaper.

Ever since Agnes Monica showed up at Panasonic Awards looking like "Xena: The Harajuku Princess", her parents finally realized that their child is actually going insane. So they decided to put her in Helen Sparingga Mental Institution For Hasbeens And Wannabes in Parung, Bogor. I visited Agnes to do a little interview and see how she's holding up.



Hi, Agnes
Yo yo yo, Agnes is in the house y'all! Whaddup whaddup Neng Sarah?
I'm fabulous, Agnes. How are you?
No, bitch! That ain't it. Say it the way it's supposed to be. You know what I'm sayin'?
Yes, I know what you're talking about. But I'm not gonna say it.
Cmon, beyotch! Don't be trippin' on me. You're not down with me, is that what you're sayin, huh?
No Agnes, I'm not gonna...
(Starting to sing) Bi-hiiiilang sa-haaaaja bila kau...
STOP ITTT!!!!
Allright, allright!
*pauses*
Whaddup A'?
That's it! That's the shit, baby! A to tha G to tha NES. You're my peeps, Neng Sarah. You're my peeps. Whoa-whoaaa...
Anyway, how are they treating you here?
Like shit, fo shizzo! They going round actin' like I'm crazy and all. That ain't right, y'all. That ain't right! Cuz I ain't a crazy chica, y'all. I just look like one. Uhuh, yeaaa...
Yes, that explains the teenage mutant Gadis Marathon look you're sporting today. Oh and PS. I can see your vagina.
Whadaryatalkin' bout? This is my X-tina "Can't Hold Us Down" look, aiiight! Cuz X-tina's my ho. She's tha bomb-diggity. Shout out to Lady X, y'all! Hollaaaaa...
Anyway what I'm sayin' is, nobody can't hold me down, y'all. Nobody! Not even the doctors here. Even though they gave me valium and electric shock therapy and all that shit, you know. They still can't hold me down! Word.

(Meanwhile, female nurse is approaching us.)

It's time for your medication, Miss Monica.
What are you talkin' bout? I ain't crazy, bitch!! I'm aiiiiiiight...
Come on, Agnes. Let's get back to your ward.
*shrieking*
Nooooooo...
Get your hands off me!! Lemme goooooooooooooo...!!!

(Agnes is struggling like a wounded animal. The nurse had to hold Agnes down and pull her away.)

Bye, Agnes. Good luck with your therapy.
I ain't crazy!! You're all crazy!! I'm still Agnes, y'all. Keepin' it real. Don't forget my album "Whaddup A'?" drops on December 10! Real hip-hop style. Get it now, y'all. Get it, get it. Yep yep, that's me! Agnes from Cellblock 4 bangsal 11. Say whaaa... Say whaaaa....

Neng Sarah.

Tammy, how many times do I have to tell you to get a new fashion stylist? No seriously Tammy, this is a matter of life and death. I firmly believe your current stylist is a hack. Here's my theory: I think he/she is a professional hitman who poses as a stylist, hired by your sister Theresia Blezynski to kill you!! You know, because she's jealous of your career and all. Hello...? The Bodyguard, remember?

I mean, come on...how else are you going to explain that dress which actually looks okay but completely ruined by 3 sheets of nude-colored toilet paper dangling from your waist and a piece of old pantyhose criss-crossing on your torso? It's actually an X mark to assist the hitman on where to aim his gun, for a quick but deadly shot right on your heart.

Believe me Tammy, I know what I'm talking about. You'd better fire that stylist of yours ASAP and get a now one. Someone who is not going to kill you, literally and figuratively. You know, someone like...me, for instance. Well, you're interested, you know where to reach me, kay?

Neng Sarah.

Venna, Venna, Venna...
No, I'm not here to tell you how much I hate you. Nor do I want to call Guiness Book of World Record and tell them I have found someone who deserves the title "Worst Dressed Woman Known To Mankind". Because, hey, you and the rest of the population of Indonesia already knew that, right? But I'm here right now because I want to talk to you about something really important. Heart to heart. Woman to woman. Okay, girlfriend? Good.

Venna...you're such a MF-ing callous and insensitive cow!!! No wait, that didn't come out right. Let me rephrase that.

Venna, I understand your burning desire to amaze the public aka humiliate yourself with your ludicrous sense of style. But please, woman...you're a wife and a mother. Don't you even care about your husband's and children's feelings? Don't you ever consider what your husband felt after his co-worker remarked, "I saw your wife on TV last night looking like a cross between Karina Kapoor and J-Ho"? And don't you ever think about how your children cry everytime their friends at school say, "My mommy said your mommy is crazy"?

Please Venna, think about it. Think about your family. Have some mercy for them. Don't be a heartless bitch like us. Don't let your husband menikah siri with some F-grade sinetron actress wannabe from Garut. Don't let your children have a new mommy whose real name is Leli Anjarwati. Save your marriage, Venna. Save your family.

Neng Sarah.

Two words for you, Donna Agnesia:
Mawar AFI.
Ew!

Neng Sarah.

Neng Sarah says:
Imbecile, bullimic, insanely irritating, slut-faced MTV VJ has-been who thinks she can sing just because she took vocal lessons from Bertha obviously got no taste in fashion whatsoever.

Neng Sarah.

PS. Will somebody put that thing out of her misery...

Hello and welcome to another edition of Celebrity Deathmatch. Today is your lucky day because we have a very special fight for you. Ladies and gentleman, we present you "Whodoyouthinkheare's Bullfighting Match"!!!!



"Hola, mi amigos! It's me, Rossa. Yes yes, it really IS me!! And yes, I know I look like a transvestite. Blame it on Derry, my makeup artist. Anyway, don't be fooled by the wig that I got, I'm still, I'm still Rossa from Sumedang. Kumaha, daramang sadayana? Alhamdulillah atuh. Si, mi amigos, I'm going to fight a bull in just a few moment. And no, don't you worry, I'm not gonna harm the animal. I'm just gonna lull the bull to sleep with my boring ballads, like "Nada-nada Cinta" and "Hati Yang Terpilih". Hahaha... Okay, I gotta go now. Wish me luck. Adios, amigos! No me ames, hasta manana...viva forever! Ole!!!"

Neng Sarah.

And the award for Anita "I'm a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie World" Simorangkir Wannabe goes to...
Ratna Listy!!!



Neng Sarah.

Are you sure, Anissa? Well, obviously neither you nor your mother has ever read our blog.

Neng Sarah.

Ever been curious what a hooker is going to wear on her wedding day when she's getting married to her pimp? Well apparently, this is what the wedding picture looks like.



The groom is wearing a jacket with suede panels over a white shirt and bright colored tie, paired with faded jeans and big buckled belt (shaggy 70's hair is optional).

And the bride is wearing a white tight mini dress with built-in armcast (to support her broken arm, after her pimp/boyfriend beat her up due to lack of income), adorned with what used to be her old cable-knit sweater which now looks like a huge kerupuk warung 200an on the bosom area and scrapes of white brocade fabric on the bottom of the dress for a touch of traditional wedding kebaya.

Aahhh, it really is a match made in Kali Jodo. Congratulations!

Neng Sarah.

Some clueless Indonesian celebs think that they can pull off a Carrie Bradshaw look and got away with it.



Puhleeez, Dewi Rezer. You should be so lucky.

Neng Sarah.

PS. Hi, Marcell..! *wink wink*

If you have absolutely no idea who this woman is, you're not alone. But from what I read, her name is Emma Waroka Hawkins and she's the host of Fenomena Plus on Trans TV. Well, no wonder we don't know her, the show is unheard of. But nevermind her identity, she'd probably be forgotten in 3 months time anyway (unless she does a cheap publicity stunt, pronto). Let's just analyze her outfit and why she deserves to be on our list, shall we.

While I personally excuse the whole "Mama Emma, The High Class Pimp, goes to court" look, I just cannot forgive the gold Gucci knockoff belt worn lopsided over untucked shirt!! Please Emma, it's so disturbing. While you're at it, why don't you add a tas pinggang and just kill me, Emma. Kill, me! Oh Emma, why can't you dress like normal people? Tuck in your shirt, put on the belt on the belt loop of your skirt (where it's supposed to be) and help us heal the world, for you and for me and the entire human race. There are people dying, if you care enough for the living. Make a better place for you and for me.

For you and for meeeeee....

Neng Sarah.

After Rhoma Irama dumped her, chances are she's starting to lose her mind. I'm so not surprised if I met her at a traffic light dressed like that and sings,
"Bang Rhomaaa... Bang Rhomaaa...
Kenapa nggak pulang-pulaaaang...
Anakmuuu... anakmuuu...
Panggil-panggil namamuuu..."

Neng Sarah.